Whip It Good! Is It Time for Lubbock to Lock Up the Canned Whipped Cream?
The ridiculous stupid stuff that I do for this job. Sigh.
There's no greater joy than whipped cream, right out of the can. Preferably applied in places that dare not be mentioned in a family setting like this one. I know it's not actually cream, but this is like crack in a can.
Actually, it kind of is, which is why a few idiots are about to ruin it for the rest of us.
With that in mind, let's again thank the Good Lord upstairs that we reside in the Lone Star State and don't live in that communist cesspool known as New York. Because now in New York, you can vote, join the military, and drive a car if you are under 21, but you can't buy Reddi Wip without an ID.
According to legislation passed last year, the goal is to keep kids under 21 from gaining access to the whipped cream chargers in the cans, otherwise known as "whippits," and getting wasted. If you're over 21, then you can huff as much delicious pie topper as you wish. Go nuts.
According to the bill, the whipped cream chargers are known to "cause hearing loss, liver and kidney damage, limb spasms, central nervous system or brain damage, bone marrow damage, heart failure or suffocation." They also make you see things and colors that haven't been invented yet. So, in their infantile and infinite New York wisdom, the solution is to lock up the Reddi Wip and require an ID to buy it.
The question now is: 'WHY AREN'T WE PROTECTING THE CHILDREN OF LUBBOCK? WHY IS THIS DANGEROUS SUBSTANCE STILL ON STORE SHELVES????"
Because this is Texas, that's why. Because we know how to assess risk and reward, and don't live in a nanny state. People huff gasoline fumes, too, but we aren't banning gasoline or cars (except in California, which is literal Hell on Earth).
Is it time to save the children and lock up the Reddi Wip? Not yet. But nothing would shock me. However, based on a key use of this fine dessert treat, they should be selling it over at Adam & Eve.
Oh, and don't huff whipped cream cans, kids. Or else this might happen: