Like blowing dust and a Bart Reagor appeal, some things ae just commonplace here in West Texas. So when I first noticed these little mounds of despair had returned to my backyard I was not surprised, but still frustrated at the rapid rate of their expansion.

Image: Lance Ballance-Townsquare Media
Lance Ballance, Townsquare Media

The ants...are back!

Youtube user hetfield7782
YouTube via hetfield7782

I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords

Image: Lance Ballance-Townsquare Media
Image: Lance Ballance-Townsquare Media

Yeah, these little guys suck, and so does my landscaping.

Obviously, the ants really don't mean to do us any harm and they were here long before our suburban hopes and dreams began to spread over the dusty West Texas landscape, but that still doesn't mean hat they don't need to die. Horribly...and preferably with fire. Especially after our small, pampered, incontinent dogs get bitten on the foot because they've violated the ants' sacred temple by peeing on it.

Image: Lance Ballance-Townsquare Media
Lance Ballance, Townsquare Media

Now, short of using napalm, there are many ways of using chemical warfare against these invaders from the underworld. However, if you're even remotely interested in saving the planet, using the time-tested method of pouring $2 worth of unleaded on the ant hill and lighting it on fire may be frowned upon. Especially by your homeowner's insurance carrier. Trust me on this, it is a lesson one cannot unlearn.

So, what works to get rid of the devil's pets before they enslave us in their underground sugar caves? These natural remedies may help:

  • Baking Soda
  • Boiling Water
  • Soapy Water
  • Artificial Sweeteners

I never thought about using Splenda to kill ants, but I guess letting them slowly die of cancer is an option too, right?

Here on the South Plains, this is just a part of life. A part of life that needs to be vanquished so that I can run thought my yard barefoot without fear of Satan's microscopic minions taking a tiny bite out of me.

Now, hand me my gas can, willya? That's right, the full one.

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