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Lubbock has certainly begun to come into its own as a culinary outpost in an otherwise dusty food desert, but yet there are still some gastronomic mysteries that seem to elude us in West Texas.

One such example is the lack of love for a longtime breakfast staple: the versatile, delicious bagel. Or, as it's known to scientists, Bagelus Newyorkus Saltidonutus

Apparently, according to another pointless survey, Lubbock is damn near the very bottom of cities where the anti-donut is revered. It seems that in a town where you can get a breakfast brisket burrito at the drive-thru of your local bank, bagels get no love.

And why should they? Bagels are a New York thing, and New York sucks on all levels.


Shockingly, out of 158 cities, Lubbock ranked 151st for bagel lovers, according to, which I believe is a website that is all about gardening. What the heck would they know about bagels, or even Lubbock anyway? Our lawns are as dead as disco in the winter, and tumbleweeds tear across the landscape at a rapid clip every time the wind reaches a speed of 15 miles per hour. So, of course we hate bagels. If we drop one, we'll get cream cheese all over our cold, dead lawn, and who wants to clean that off our favorite tumbleweed?

Can you tell that I've had a boatload of coffee today that I'm rambling on about freaking bagels? In Lubbock?! Sigh.

In a nutshell, we apparently love bagels here more than El Paso does. So we have that going for us, which is nice.

Thank you for attending my Ted Talk.

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